Memories of My Faith From Way Way Back

Since it is Easter weekend, I figured I’d mention a few things that I can recall from back when I was a super Fundamentalist Christian. This was years ago, and I have since liberalized and moderated myself, but sometimes it’s fun to look back, primarily to my high school years, since I was really ultra motivated then. In fact, my high school years (1995-1999) saw the most gung-ho display of Christianity around, save for one or two in my school who were actually more motivated than myself.

Let’s see… ah, yes:

* I had a strong distrust of anything written by Carl Sagan. See, his last name was “Sagan,” which was very close to “Satan,” and since I’d heard he was a “Darwinist,” I knew he couldn’t be trusted, and was in league with Lucifer himself.

* I was so worried about my unsaved friends, I wrote a 20 page report on what to do when the Rapture takes place, including where to go, how to survive and, most importantly, how to repent and come to Jesus Christ before the wrath of God smote them from the Earth in a hail of fire and brimstone, and I’m really not joking here.

* My Junior year, I made a vow never to drink, and to never have sex before marriage. I have since broken the first vow, and only the second one, once, a few years ago. Dammit.

* I carried a Bible around with me everywhere I went in that school. One time, a girl grabbed my Bible from me, and ran to throw it in the garbage can. Fortunately, she didn’t, and I was able to retrieve it. I was under the assumption, at the time, that there was a demon in her, and holding the Bible too long caused her to let go of it before she could make it to the trash can. I have two theories to this: Either (A) I was the asshole, or (B) she was the asshole, but there were no demons involved, whether real or perceived. Then again, there is option (C), which is that we were both assholes and needed to get laid something fierce. I’m probably going with “C.”

* I owned a Beka science book, and used to read it in science class instead of their “propaganda.” For those of you unfamiliar with it, Beka is a Christian publishing company who distributes Christian based text books. This science book had nothing on Evolution, and in fact spent many pages “debunking” Darwin’s very erroneous theories. I mean, Second Law of Thermodynamics, am I right? Yeah. Um, I debated my biology teacher on the absurdity of Evolution. Let me repeat that: I debated my Biology teacher on the absurdity of Evolution. I may have been incredibly ignorant, but by damn I had cojones.

* I was against Proctor & Gamble (a local, well known manufacturer of detergents, and body washes, among many other things) because they had a crescent moon on their products, which obviously meant that they were in league with Satan.

* I wouldn’t play Warcraft (the first one) when it came out, because I felt it was the same as Dungeons and Dragons, a truly wicked and evil game that convinced children to worship Satan.

* I thought Bob Larson was a brilliant man of God, who removed demons from the innocents. Don’t know who I’m talking about? Here, take a look at the zaniness: Seriously, and he was worse back then!

* My favorite band, from 1997-1999 was Tourniquet, with their awesome Jesus metal song “Crawl to China.” Rock on, with holiness, of course. I used to listen to it all the time while I studied the Bible. Speaking of which:

* I read the Bible, front to back, 26 times during my 4 years in high school. This is why when people tell me I’m wrong about what Christians believe and what the Bible says about this or that, I laugh my ass off over and over and over again. While most of the specific verses have long since faded from my memory, I still remember the basic message regarding just about everything I read in that tome.

* I went to a Baptist church with a girl, and listened to the sermon instead of making out with her, which is WHAT SHE WANTED. SHE WANTED TO MAKE OUT WITH ME WITH JESUS WATCHING, AND I DID NOTHING! NOTHING! I still kick my own ass over that one. STUPID! STUPID!

* I once exorcised some demons from a friend. Well, it was either demons or gas, but my 17 year old self was positive it was demons. My 34 year old self says chili dogs. Results are inconclusive.

* I was hit in the head with a Bible, from across the room.

* Someone threw cheese fries on my shirt. Hot cheese fries. They were delicious once the burning stopped.

I promise you, these are all true.

* I used to lead a prayer group, and we would meet before school to pray together. All told, I had 30 fellow students in my group, who held onto my every word. I am a natural leader.

* I hid my Biology teacher’s On the Origin of the Species book, in an effort to save her soul.

* When I would go into an “evil” place, I would hum the theme to The Ten Commandments (1956; starring Charlton Heston), as a ward against any evil spirits.

* I once looked at porn on the internet. That’s right: Back then, it was all nudie pics, as far as the mouse could click. Hey, Bill Clinton was in office, and it was a different time, alright? Anyway, I was so shocked and horrified, that I wept and prayed for a week, on and off, about the horrible sin I had committed. (Again, all true)

* I held a baptism for students at my school. After hours, of course.

* Jesus once came to me in a dream, and told me to walk on hot coals for the rest of my life.

* My Senior year, I wrote several works of Christian fiction. Also, several works of erotic fiction. Hey, it was a really confusing time for me.

So there you have it. I promise you these are all true, and while most of them are mundane, I’m sure one or two probably had you shaking your head. Well, that it’s for this walk down memory lane. Have a Happy Easter/Passover/weekend.



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