I Feeeeel…

…pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and gay…

I’m attracted to brains, especially big, powerful brains (#notazombie). One of the benefits of being pansexual is that gender isn’t a roadblock to attraction. I am attracted to hundreds of people, and flirt with thousands. It should be no wonder as to why my favorite character on Doctor Who is Captain Jack Harkness (and has nothing at all to do with the superhuman handsomeness that is John Barrowman).

I won’t pretend physical aesthetic doesn’t play some role in attraction, of course it does, because we’re physical beings, but for me the role it plays is a minor one in the grand scheme of things. Hygiene, for example, is important. If you can count on one hand the number of showers or baths you had in 2015, we’re probably not going to be very compatible. If I say “what brand of toothbrush do you prefer to use?” and your response is “oh, silly, toothbrushes are for communists,” we’re probably not going to be very compatible. Otherwise, the field’s wide open.

Certainly, we all like to look pretty, and to feel pretty. I like it when people consider me handsome. Who doesn’t? Well, I’m certain there are people who don’t care and that’s fine, but I’m not one of them. I do care about how I look, and I am quite self-conscious about my appearance. I wouldn’t go so far to say that I am vain, but I do get annoyed when you can clearly see how quickly I’m balding (the answer is ‘quickly’).

Still, I don’t like how people are judged for their appearance, and I don’t like judging either. We all do it on some level, because we’re visually oriented creatures, but that doesn’t mean we have to predicate our like or dislike of someone based off of whether they are fat or skinny, tall or short, or any other general physical characteristic you can toss in here. We only fall for these things because we are conditioned to do so. We are inundated with messages, mostly advertisements for beauty and weight loss products, that tell us we are severely flawed, but that their cream, shake, pill, or slimming pants can cure us of our immediate ills, and give us a chance at attracting the opposite sex. Huzzah, humanity is saved! Soon there will be billions of us, dominating the glo-. Oh, there already are billions of us, and we do dominate the globe. Well, how convenient for us. Must have been due to the Hollywood cleansing diet.

Truth be known, I still harbor awful feelings about my appearance. I’m fat, I know I’m fat. I am poorly muscled, so even though I’m fat I don’t even have a great set of pecs to balance things out. I’m pale, and don’t tan at all, I have teeth that aren’t brilliant white, even though I brush every day. My hair is thinning, and I wear glasses, and not the awesome hot stylish glasses, but the “technically these are Army surplus” glasses.

Yet I continue to have the audacity to be attracted to other people, even without purchasing all of these products to make me better than I am. Surely that’s why they exist, right? To make me better? That’s what I’m told by every lithe, shapely, size 0 model who lost 195 lbs by organic holistic juice fasting. Would all of those men with 0% body fat, washboard abs, and wearing skimpy underwear who swear by the Super Cross Fitness Ultra Deluxe lie to me? Surely not.

Could I stand to lose some weight? Yes. Could I exercise more? Most certainly. Would it make me a better person, more qualified to attract someone? Fuck no. What these ads fail to tell you is that humans come in different shapes and sizes for a reason. Our body types are different, our genes behave differently, and yes, by God, I fucking love cheeseburgers, and when I eat one I look like a lioness, on the prowl amongst the vast plains of the Serengeti, who has found a lame zebra, and has pounced upon it with reckless abandon, knowing her meal is only a giant-ass bite away (punctuation is important here).

We often change for the people we love, but we shouldn’t have to change in order to love people or be loved by people. What irks me the most is that women have it worse. I’m a white male, so I get away with a lot of things that women cannot. I can be overweight, a little frumpy, a bit out of sorts, and still be seen as “handsome,” or “rugged,” which is hilarious, because I’m about as rugged as Piglet on a blustery day. Women, on the other hand, are shamed mercilessly just for having a different body type.

Oh, don’t believe the Dove campaign commercials “we love your body” that’s bullshit. Look at all of those women they celebrate. They’re all what I like to call “model fat.” They’ve been carefully cultivated to look that way. It’s a way of humble bragging, you know, like the guy who says “I only have a 9″ penis, but I make it work for me,” but from a company that sells beauty products, and about women. You know it’s bullshit, I know it’s bullshit, but by God the company believes it’s sending a sincere message, or at least a message it hopes people believe is sincere. Like with the guy who humbebrags about his pretend short dick, you bite your tongue instead of telling them “biology doesn’t work that way, statistical data doesn’t work that way. Quit being an insincere arse cookie.”

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, dicks. Anyway, we know human genetics sets some pretty hard numbers (heh) for our anatomy. The average male has a penis length anywhere from 5″ – 6.5,” and it encompasses 90% of the male gender. In financial terms, dudebro is saying “I only have $20 million in my stock portfolio, but I get by with my meager earnings.” Yeah, bullshit. Fuck you. Quit lying in order to pick up women, and quit making men feel like they fall short just because you’re a horrible cockbarnacle.

But I digress, so back on point we go.

I am attracted to big brains. Tell me you’re a Calvin Klein model? “Ah, well, I guess that’s pretty neat.” Kick my ass at Chess? “Oh, now I’m hanging on every word.” Tell me you’re an avid reader? “Is it getting warm in here?” Show me the math behind how we calculate the moon’s trajectory? “Where have you been all my life?” Make an awful pun that works on multiple levels and is so disarmingly sweet that it’s lame as hell and I start laughing anyway? “Marry me.”

Intelligence, kindness, compassion, humor, loyalty, love, these are things you cannot buy off the shelf, but they improve you vastly beyond the capability of any creme or spray. You are so much better than a commercial product, and you deserve so much more. Don’t let these people tell you you’re pretty if you listen to their advice and buy their products, because that is ugliness trying to change the beauty that is already within you.

Instead, be who you are, and if you really want to improve yourself, if you really want to show the beauty that exists around you and within you, just be a kinder person. That is a beauty that has no equal, and if you can do that, you can be just as pretty as I am. šŸ˜‰


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