A Bit Concerned

I’ve been just a bit concerned lately. Just this evening, I experienced my 65th anxiety attack since the beginning of the year. They’ve ranged from disconcerting to brain numbingly chaotic, though mostly the former.

I shake all of the time now. There isn’t one day where I’m not trembling in some way. This past week, my arms and legs have been getting numb, for a few minutes at a time, and I don’t know why. I have been getting pains in the side of my head, sometimes growing into full blown headaches. I’ve taken ten Tylenol, over the past week, to deal with them. I don’t take ten Tylenol in a year.

I had to wait until my Medicaid kicked back in, and it finally did a few weeks ago, so I’m making an appointment to see my doctor. He’ll do some blood work, check a few things, and if he finds anything suspicious, will guide me where I need to go.

I won’t lie, I am concerned also because 36/37 was when mom was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis of the central nervous system. Now, that doesn’t mean I have it, or that I have anything at all neurologically wrong with me, but I would be lying if I said the thought hasn’t crossed my mind, and in vivid, terrifying detail.

It could just be stress. I haven’t been getting more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep at a time these past few weeks, and even then those sleep hours have been interrupted by mom needing something which, while I don’t fault her for that, has contributed to my shortness of temper, my inability to process or retain information a fraction of what I normally can. My body has become like a lead weight, and even with that lead weight, the anxiety attacks, the numbness, the continued issue with my left arm (it won’t hold more than about 30 lbs of weight before giving out), and the increasing “noise” in my own mind, I keep plugging away at 24/7 care.

Some people can get away for a while, and let the stress be released through music, or going to see a movie, maybe having a nice meal with a friend. I have none of those options. I am constantly in service. I can be called upon when eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom, I can’t really read because I have to keep an eye out if she needs anything. I can’t listen to music because I have to keep my ears open should she call for me. Watching a TV program, or a movie? Nope, that can be and is often interrupted. I don’t watch live shows, because I miss most of any live show I watch. During a two hour movie, I will be called upon anywhere from 3 to 20 times, or more. I haven’t meditated in ages. It’s like being an on call physician, but with no time off ever.

In past checkups, my doctor was concerned about my blood sugar, blood pressure, and such, but when I took dad in for his checkup (he needs me to help him explain things), my doctor spent just as much time concerned about my well-being. When mom went in a few weeks later (this past March), he checked her out, and then kept asking me questions about my sleeping habits, and the lack thereof.

Both times he expressed great concern, and while I am sure it is the concern a doctor gives his patient of 33 years (I started seeing him when I was 4), I can’t help but feel a slight twinge of anxiety deep in the marrow. I sincerely hope, if it’s going to be anything, that it’s “just” exhaustion, though even if it is, there’s no way in hell I can do anything about that. I’ve had people tell me I need a break, and I know that. I haven’t had a single day off in 7 years. It’s that with how this feels, with how deep it goes, there’s no way one or two days will be enough to help me get my wits back together, or deal with whatever is going on with my body.

So I am concerned. I’m sure you all know me well enough by now that while I try to work through problems rationally, there’s always this undercurrent of fear that immediately latches on to the worst possible scenario. I don’t want this to be anything, and maybe it won’t be, but until I can get in to see him, get tested, and get the results, those thoughts will still be hanging around, plaguing me with more anxiety that I don’t need.

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