I take 7 pills, and 4 shots a day, just so I can wake up tomorrow and take 7 pills, and 4 shots a day. I’ve settled into a routine, now, and so every morning, I take my pills, and a shot. Around noon, I take another shot, then again around late afternoon, and one more big shot late at night, so my blood sugar maintains uniformity overnight. It prevents me from dying in my sleep.
What do I get for this regimen? The opportunity to do it over and over again ad nauseam, until there are no more pills, and no more shots. If there was some life in between, at least there would be a point to it, but at this juncture, I’m just doing it as a message to tell death to go fuck itself. I see no real point in living (romantic love, engaging directly with humanity, experiencing the variety of life, these things I am not a part of), but I don’t want death to win, because I despise that bastard with every fiber of my being.
I know there are people out there who get this, who can relate. What gets you through this? What do you do if there’s nothing to hold on to except stubbornness and white hot anger? Is that enough?